Some things I have learned

Here are some things I have learned over the past few weeks.  Just a fair warning - I do talk about gross things so be prepared!

1. Being sick while pregnant is ten times worse than when you are not - it compares to being sick while having MS - so maybe it is just the combination of all my ailments put together (not that being pregnant is an ailment - you know what I mean)

2.  When you have a sore throat - don't gargle with salt water!  Bad idea!!!  I was trying so hard to try all the non medicine options since the list of approved meds is small so I thought I will give it a try - the result - vomitting!  Yuck!

3.  Brushing your teeth is a chore - yet it is of utmost importance while pregnant to keep your gums healthy (or at least so I have read)  Gagging is now part of my daily brushing routine.  Actually it did get so bad one morning that I did vomit - several times!  Yuck Again!!!  I did change flavors - from mint to orange since I have been craving oranges a lot - it reduced the gagging emensly!

4.  Sinus Head colds are not fun!!  Coughing is not fun!  I have tried the teas and the honey and the lemon juice.... no relief - so I tried benedryl which is on the approved list - well I did sleep a bit more but I had some weird dreams!!!  Really weird and I remember every detail of them!  Since it has been four days and I still can't breath out of my nose I tried saline spray - bad idea!!  Vomitting!!!!  Yuck again.

5.  Some women vomit alot during the first trimester - I was just nausaus - but second trimester I am making my vomitting come back - it is so weird too - because I don't feel sick I just start gagging and the rest is history!

Well that is all I have learned this week.  I am sure I will have more lessons learned by next week.  As for now I am signing off to get ready for my four month appointment - can't wait to hear the heartbeat!!!
Trusting God that everything is going smoothly inside my belly!!!

The Bittersweet of April 1st

Last year on this day - April first was also Maundy Thursday, last year April 1st was a beautiful sunny day.... it was a day that started out like any other, but by noon time it quickly turned into one of the hardest days of my life, as I spent the day at the hospital, soon to realize that we had just lost the baby that we had prayed so hard for.  We were only 6 weeks along in our pregnancy, but it seemed as though we had known that child.  It is a weird feeling that I can't explain, but that day we lost our child and it seemed as though we lost our dream of being parents.  We didn't know what the future held for us, we just knew that day that we felt lost and empty.  As I walked outside this morning I could see the tulips that we planted in memory of our little one were peaking through the ground - I long to see their beautiful bloom as a reminder of God shining his love on our lives.

You should also know that four years ago on April 1st I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  Let's just say April fools day is not a day that brings about a lot of joy in my heart - as I look at my past.  I thought that was one of the hardest days of my life, but little did I know at that point - how much harder it would be to deal with a miscarriage - three years later on that same day.

Though my heart is sad and heavy over the loss of our child, I am comforted in knowing that God's plan is always perfect even though I don't fully understand that many times.  I will always have a special place in my heart for that little one.

This year - April 1st was a full day - but a day filled with joy and knowing God has something great in store for us as parents to be, because this year - we are close to our 17 week mark in our pregnancy - the stress and complications of the first trimester are over, and we are well into our 2nd trimester.  God is good, and we are trusting each day that he will continue help this baby grow and develop.  But we also much trust that God plan is perfect - regardless!

We are so thankful for all those that have prayed for us - in our losses and more recently in our joys!  We know that God has big plans for our little one (5inches long, 4-5 ounces this week)!

Ode to My Immune System

Dear Immune System - I would really like it if you worked like other people's immune system, by that I mean when something foreign comes into my body you are supposed to attack it!  Not attack me!  This has been one of those weeks where pregnancy and my MS are teaming together to kill my immune system.

Strep throat is my newest of issues!  Oh I pray that my baby has an immune system from his/her father and not from me.  If you want to pray for that too - I would be grateful.  I was kinda expecting to be feeling better by today since I have been on the antibiotics since Monday night, but today it has moved from my throat to my sinuses and my whole body is acky and yucky!

Now it is bed rest because I am sick, not because of the baby!  Oh the joys of being sick and pregnant!  I don't know what I would do if I had a 9 to 5 job or if I had other kids to care for.  It is good how God works all things for the good of those who love him!

Okay I am done with my rant about my Immune System, looking forward to feeling better soon, until then I will snuggle up under my covers, pretend my house is clean, and rest!

Growing Pains

I have a new understanding of what Growing pains are.  I always thought they were pain that children experienced as their joints and skin and organs were growing.  Well let me just declare... there are also growing pains going on in my abdomen.  They tell you that as the baby grows it will stretch and pull your muscles and skin to make room for the growing child..... well my stomach is stretching in places that I didn't even know that muscles existed (okay I knew they were there, but they never really were worked out too much to say the least) until just recently.

They call them round ligament pains.  What a nice name - it sounds kinda happy "round ligaments" they should call it ab deconstruction....don't get me wrong I am not upset - I just think their term is a little misleading.  I am so thankful for our growing child and as it gets bigger and my muscle continue to stretch I will count it a joy that God is growing a miracle inside of me.

Any time I have pain - I am just a little bitter at Eve and her decision to sin in the garden - which led to the curse of a painful childbirth....however God does redeem it all by blessing you after the pain... I look forward to that blessing!!!

Things they don't warn you about...

14 Weeks 1 day along in the journey to meet our gift from God!  And what a journey it has been....  The first trimester was a hard one to say the least with complications from bleeding, infections, and bedrest....well and all the morning sickness that goes along with it.  I actually lost close to 10 pounds in the first tirmester.

But oh the joy of being in the second trimester - morning sickness is mostly gone, unless I am hungry then sickness creeps in again.  Although it is a good reminder that I am hungry or at least the baby is hungry.

My title of the blog today is the things they don't warn you about..... here are a couple that I have figured out for me, but again it could be different for everyone.

1.  Brushing your teeth is a chore.... I try to will myself into actually being able to brush the inside of my teeth without gaging.  Every single time I try I am unsuccessful.  I am sure all the dentist will scold me for this but there are days when I just don't want to gag - so as gross as this might sound, I avoid brushing the inside of my teeth..... I know as a pregnant person dental hygiene is of utmost importance, but I hate gagging!!!!

2.  Licking Envelopes is out - Maybe it is just me, but I can't lick an envelope without gagging either.  So I guess unless Joel decides he wants to help or I get up off the couch and get a wet paper towel - no one is going to be getting any mail from me.

3.  Sciatic Nerve - I knew I had one - in fact I am a former health teacher - but then again if you don't use it you lose it....  On Friday night I felt like I had a hip pointer in my butt.... weird I thought!  The next day at lunch I bent down to get something and excrusiating pain followed.  I couldn't walk - literally!  I had to crawl to go to the bathroom (remember I was at a retreat with 23 other women - it was a little embarrassing)  I had no idea that babies like to sit on sciatic nerves!  Even babies as little as a lemon can cause be a pain in the butt - literally!

4.  Cravings are serious and can bring out the worst in you - Many people have asked me if I have had any cravings yet and to be honest up to yesterday I haven't really had too many - maybe because I was just happy to eat a few bits of something.  Anyway - yesterday I had a craving for peanut brittle - when I told Joel he chuckled and said - well I am sure it will go away - wrong thing to say - I turned evil - and left the room I was so mad!!!  Oh my - It was like I needed it - like someone needs a drug.... it was bad...needless to say my poor husband caught on to my frustration and went on a search for peanut brittle!!!  Success - and then all of a sudden I was nice again.

Well that is it for now - check back later for more adventures!!!

I'm Back

To be honest - I have been avoiding blogging for the last two months....I guess most of it was out of fear that I would end up having to share bad news again. However, we have great news to celebrate - we have made it to our second trimester!!!!

It has been a rough road to get here - with many trips to the doctor, a day in the ER, complications, bleeding, bedrest - but it has all been worth it so far. The days can be long and hard as I sit on the couch trying not to worry about what could go wrong next. I have decided the internet can be a tool of fear and worry - every time something weird happens I go online to see if it is normal - it is nice to know that so often it is - but then you hear and read about all the bad things that can happen and that is not helpful at all!!!

I guess my biggest fear in doing this blog again is to let people into my roller coaster of emotions. I sit at home most days by myself while Joel is at work and my emotions just wear on me - I have decided that is the hardest part of bedrest. I don't want people to see the ups and downs that I am experiencing....however - If this can help another mom at some point as they journey through a miscarriage and a complicated high risk pregnancy - then I need to let people into my world.

As a speaker I am always encouraging the women and the teens to be transparent - to let people into their world. I try to do that - but this journey seems so messy, so bumpy, so filled with unknowns that I want to protect my friends and my family.

Today I am letting you in to my world of this scary but exciting journey of life. It is my prayer that you will be entertained by my take on things, that you will walk through this with me in laughter, in tears, in "oh my" moments, and you will join us in praying for our little one growing inside of us.

We have made it to the 13 week mark but we know that we have a long road ahead of us! Thanks for your prayers and encouragement - we feel so loved!

Saying Goodbye

It was just two short weeks ago that we knew for sure that we were expecting. I can't tell you how excited we were....to think in December our world would change completely as we became parents. One week had passed and my body knew I was pregnant - I had morning sickness (or all day sickness) I didn't really want to eat, but the thoughts of the future helped me through. As people found out we were even more excited. So many people encouraged us as they told us what great parents we would be - that to me was such a huge compliment! Making me all the more excited! My family started offering me baby clothes, furniture, and all those other things that you need but don't realize.

Wednesday of last week, I was pretty sick - I was in bed all day not wanting to eat, just wanting to lay with my eyes closed, we prayed that night for the baby and for a better day the next day. Joel was so cute as he prayed for our little baby being formed inside me.

The next day I woke up and felt better, still nauseous but it was more tolerable than the day before which was good because I was beginning my first day of teaching at EJ (I am doing a long term sub in the Phys Ed department) As the day went on and I was learning the ropes I started to feel a little crampy, but still nothing strange. By lunch I was beginning to worry when I realized that I was bleeding. The doctor was called, I left school and began the longest four hours of my life!

After tests, blood work, ultrasounds they determined that I had a miscarriage. I was trying so hard to hold it together...since I had to sit in the waiting room for so long, but I just wanted to go home at that point....my heart was crushed. How could I have gotten so attached in one short week. Not only did I feel I lost the baby, but I felt as though I lost my dream - it was so overwhelming.

Now as I sit here and write, one week later, I can't hold back the tears....the hurt is still here, and I am guessing that it will be for a while. I know that time brings healing, I can feel it already, but I also know that I will not forget our little one, that I will one day meet him in one of the many rooms in God's Big House (you almost have to start singing Big House now! That always brings me a smile)

Last Thursday was Maundy Thursday - in some ways it was so symbolic of God's sadness - but in others it was just hard for additional reasons - three years ago on the same day I was diagnosed with MS. As I sat in the hospital I said to Joel - don't I have enough of a story to tell, do I really need more hardship as part of my testimony. To that he said, I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I am so tired of handling things!

Just as we were blessed with an abundance of people who loved on us and congratulated us, we have been equally blessed by people who have loved us, prayed for us, called us, send cards to us, and even the family that I don't even know that sent us a single rose to remember our little one. We really are blessed and loved!

One of the biggest things I have learned this week - we all grieve differently! I have counseled so many through the grieving process, but it seems so different when it is yourself. I have learned I am a silent griever....I need time, I am not really one who wants to talk a lot about it. I like to keep myself busy, but then allow time for me to deal with my emotions. My friend said the night would be the hardest and she was right - it is the hardest! When I process things, I like to write, but it often takes me some time to actually be able to articulate what I am feeling and what I am thinking. I also like to have my space, tonight Joel is away and it is my first chance to be alone since the miscarriage, and so I made my playlist of reflective (or sad) music and have just thought and cried about life, loss, and where to go from here.

Another thing that I did that seemed to help was to get some tulips to plant in memory of our little one. I am guessing that orange would have been their favorite color since I felt drawn to get orange flowers, the flower that was sent to us was orange, and someone left a pot of orange tulips on our steps the other day. It may have been a coincidence, but I like to think it was a God incidence - God shining his love on us through our short time of pregnancy.

If you are still reading you must be brave, as I mentioned when I started this blog I was going to be raw and honest....boy I had no idea what I saying! Another thing I mentioned was that I was hoping that this would always point to God....I know God has a plan and purpose for all things....I am not sure what that is, but there is comfort in knowing that, but comfort doesn't remove the hurt, it just give security to know that the one who creates life is the one who walks through life with me. Although I am not yet at a place that I can feel God's peacefully, I know that it is promised to me, and God never breaks a promise. I am trusting that each day will get easier, and each day God will reveal his "unexpected Joy" I claim that promise as I write!!!

The last thing that I want to write before I close this epilogue (is that even the right word? well actually I don't care if it is or not, I am going to use it) I want to write about Joel in closing. From the moment that we found out we were expecting, my husband wanted to be sure people were praying for me and the baby because of the high risk. He prayed for us every night. After he shared our news at church Pastor Paul said he thought Joel would be one of the greatest Dads. I don't think that was just a nice thing to say, I think he meant it, and one thing I can say is that Joel was a great Dad, for one week he prayed for the baby, he cared for me - he even cleaned the litter box (so you know he was going above and beyond). On the way to the hospital he prayed, he made calls, he intersected my calls, he was selfless! He just kept saying, tell me what you need and I will do it, and he did! I can't think of any other person that I would want to walk through this with, he is a great husband, dad, and man of God!

I will close with the words of this song - that brings me joy in my sadness - "I will sing of your mercies that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of Joy" - Jars of Clay, Valley Song

I will keep singing, I will keep trusting and I will keep hoping! Romans 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" Lord help me to be such things!